I wrote this late last year, upon the completion of just over two years of weekly psychotherapy sessions. My therapist and I referred to the ending of our time together as a “conscious uncoupling”, a process of reflecting on our journey together, celebrating the wins, acknowledging the growth, and marinating in gratitude for each others roles in the process.
I’m feeling in an odd space right now. Not yet ready to return to the world but also very content with where I am at. It feels like if I walk out my bedroom door behind me that everything will change forever. That’s the end of my friendship with my therapist. That’s a challenging space to be in. To just accept that you will no longer see someone who played such a vital and integral role in your life for two years. I owe this relationship countless blessings. It allowed me to bring awareness to so many aspects of my life, including relationships and ambitions.
I’ll forever be grateful for this work, for without it I’m not entirely sure anything else would have been possible. Therapy was the foundation from which, everything from the past few years, especially the last 10 months grew. It created an internal awareness which then allowed me to observe my reactivity and pause. That’s not to say I will never have such reactions, just that those I do have are able to be observed more openly from a place of curiosity and the dysregulation is not so long-lasting.
“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.”― Shannon L. Alder
I’d tried to end therapy many times before, sometimes on my own accord, occasionally due to an outside influence that had tried to assure me “I was fine” and “didn’t need to see a therapist”. But I can safely say that this time the decision was all mine and felt aligned and timely, and that there doesn’t have to be something “wrong” with you in order to benefit from working with a therapist.
“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.”― Gabor Maté
I look toward the future, post-therapy, with excitement, satisfaction, pride and gratitude. All because I chose to show up for myself every week for two whole years (I had planned for 3 months), even though nothing was holding me there, except the knowledge that if I didn’t make the effort to change, nothing would. Therapy allowed me the time and space to observe my patterns, acknowledge aspects of myself that I would otherwise overlook, and move at a pace my nervous system felt comfortable and safe with. Therapy allowed me to see a physical manifestation of “as above, so below” my outer world radically shifting as I shifted aspects of my inner world.
“As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…” ― Hermes Trismegistus
The shifts in my consciousness were most noticeable in my dream space. For months I would have recurring dreams of being in cars where I had no control of what was happening, often crashing or the driver acting erratically. Gradually my place in the vehicles began to shift until I saw myself in the driver’s seat. Through therapy, we saw this as me feeling like I was regaining control of my life. Taking a place at the driver’s seat as it were.
Towards the completion of this therapy journey, I had begun my new path as a breathwork facilitator (a journey I would never have considered pre-therapy). I found the two to beautifully complement each other. Breathwork would take me deep into my psyche and therapy would allow me to integrate the shifts, and offer a perspective I was often not able to see.
I see breathwork facilitation as the next space of my own personal expansion. Guiding others through journeys allows me to find a deeper sense of love and empathy for my fellow man, which in turn allows me to feel that for myself. Therapy gave me sturdy foundations and facilitation seems to be the springboard towards the manifestation of living more aligned with my purpose, and continuing that expansion at an exponential pace.
Special thank you to my therapist, Megan Daube.
“Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” – Les Brown