How depression feels for me

Here’s a post I never thought I would be writing.

I’m going to be completely level with you. I don’t think I have ever been this depressed in my entire life. It’s been months now, I barely sleep, at least once a week I only manage a few hours, and I average about 6 hours max. When I’m laughing it feels empty and often there is an undertone of just wanting to cry and fall apart forced down underneath it. I’ve tried most things, meditation, yoga, changing my diet, and gratitude lists.

I’ve always had the feeling that I was meant for something more, and now it’s manifesting itself as frustration and anger at my current situation. Even though I know it’ll all work out I still can’t seem to shake the feeling. I think the worst is that I seem to focus on how successful my peers are in some aspect of their lives and I just feel like there is no aspect of my life in which things are working.

At the risk of turning this into a pity party, I just want people to know that if they are feeling this way they aren’t the only ones. People are always telling me how amazing my life is, all the travel, the freedom. But that’s purely based on what they see on social media, not what’s really going on.

This feeling leads to a cycle of self-deprecation, I know I should be grateful for the life I lead, and I know I’m so fortunate to travel the world and have such an amazing community of friends, and the frustration and guilt around still being unhappy just send me further down.

Update: I wrote this post before I walked the Camino de Santiago. Looking back I think a lot of what I was feeling was being trapped in trying to please other people and ignoring the inner voice that was telling me what I had wasn’t what I wanted. I think we all do it, we stay in a job, a relationship, a space, etc that’s not right/meant for us, and that feeling is our soul telling us it’s not meant for us and it’s time to let go, no matter how scary that may be.

Furthermore, I can also see more clearly that I am exactly where I need to be, for the things that I desire, I am not entirely sure I am ready for.

It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed. – Ram Dass