As I sit here and write this, surrounded by vibrant house plants, the first taste of spring sun warming my back, the lingering taste of cacao on my lips. I'm very grateful to be in this space to look back with gratitude on the last few weeks that were.
I would have felt immeasurably differently if you'd asked me a few days ago.
I was harbouring a certain “F the world” energy. I'd spiralled into a deep dark place, a place where it felt like light(ness) was unattainable. A distant memory.
I was struggling to get out of bed, and lost the ability to see the good in the world.
Retrospectively I am so grateful to myself in that space, grateful for all the internal work that I have done that gives me level of self-awareness to know that I am not my thoughts and that what I was feeling is not me. I seemed to have an ability to observe the darkness but not let it flow outward, and hurt those around me.
I kept up with my morning routine as best I could, and tried not to push myself too hard. I created a to do list and checked things off that were easy and attainable, made sure to keep up with my breathwork practice, and gave more of my awareness to my morning cacao than I usually would.
These all supported me, and kept the darkness at bay, but the biggest shift was forcing myself to go for a short run to the beach. Libby was there waiting and suggested I jump in the ocean. The water is baltic at the moment, but when I asked my intuition, the resounding answer was yes.
Libby joined me as we stripped down to our underwear and headed in. The water burned as it moved up my legs. I set the intention that the ocean would take whatever no longer served me to be transmuted and dunked myself under. The cold ripped through my brain as I screamed at the top of my lungs beneath the surface. Screaming out all the pain I was holding,
I forced myself to dunk myself three times, as is our ritual. Then, I forced myself to stay until the cold water took that darkness. I stayed in the burning cold until I felt the first glimpse of a smile I'd had in days press against my lips.
As I walked back up the beach, there was still some heaviness. I dried myself with my clothes I'd stripped of for our impromptu swim and headed home. Over the day I felt lighter and brighter. The joy had returned.
As I did my breathwork and meditation this morning I felt joy in that new depth of spaciousness, and lightness, maybe a depth I had not experienced before.
As facilitators in the personal development space, we can only meet and support individuals as deeply as we have met ourselves.
We have to move through the darkness to experience and appreciate new levels of light.
Practices like deeper breathwork journeys allow us to move through that darkness.